Funeral etiquette: what to know before you go

Before you go

The obituary is your best guide. It usually lists the date, time and place of the visitation and the service, and any special wishes from the family. It may say the service is private, ask for donations instead of flowers, or invite guests to wear a favorite color.

If the service is private, respect that. You can still send a card or a note. If you are unsure whether you are welcome, it is almost always fine to attend a public visitation or funeral, even if you did not know the family well.

If you cannot find the details, the funeral home listed in the obituary can tell you the times. Our guide on finding obituaries from a funeral home explains where to look.

What to wear

For most funerals, simple and modest clothing in dark or calm colors is the safe choice. Think of what you might wear to an important meeting or a religious service.

• A dark suit or jacket and slacks, or a modest dress or skirt.
• Clean, comfortable shoes, especially if there is a graveside service on grass.
• A coat or umbrella for outdoor parts of the day.
• Little or no flashy jewelry or bold patterns.

Some families ask guests to wear bright colors or a sports jersey to honor the person. Always follow the family’s request. Some faiths also have customs, such as covering the head or shoulders, so check if you are going to an unfamiliar place of worship.

Arriving and during the service

Try to arrive ten to fifteen minutes early so you can find a seat quietly. The front rows are usually kept for close family, so sit further back unless you are asked to move forward.

Sign the guest book with your full name and, if it helps, how you knew the person. Families often read these books later and are touched to see who came.

Silence your phone completely. Do not take photos or videos unless the family has clearly invited it. If you need to leave early, sit near the back and step out quietly.

At a religious service you do not share, you are not expected to join in prayers or rituals. Simply sit or stand respectfully with everyone else.

What to say, and what to avoid

Many people stay away because they fear saying the wrong thing. In truth, families remember who came far more than what was said. A few kind words are enough.

• "I’m so sorry for your loss."
• "I have such good memories of your mother."
• "He was always kind to me at work."
• "I’m thinking of you and your family."

Try to avoid phrases that can sting, even when meant kindly. These include "I know how you feel", "Everything happens for a reason" or "At least they are not suffering." Also avoid asking how the person died. If the family wants to share, they will.

A short, warm memory is one of the best gifts you can give. Keep it brief, since the family will greet many people.

Flowers, donations and gifts

If the obituary names a charity, a donation in the person’s name is a thoughtful choice. Many charities will send a card to the family letting them know a gift was made, without stating the amount.

If flowers are welcome, you can send them to the funeral home before the service, or send a plant or arrangement to the family home. Include a card with your name so the family can thank you later.

Food is another common and welcome gift, especially in the first days. Check with a close friend of the family first, so several people do not bring the same thing on the same night.

Online condolences

Most funeral homes host an online guest book on the obituary page. Leaving a short message there is a kind way to reach the family if you cannot attend, or in addition to going.

Keep online messages brief and gentle. Share a memory if you have one, and avoid private details, rumors or questions about the cause of death. Remember that anyone can read the page.

On social media, let the family share the news first. Do not post about a death before close relatives have been told.

After the funeral

Support often fades quickly after the service, just when the family is facing the quiet days. A card a few weeks later, a phone call on a hard date or an offer to help with a specific task can mean a great deal.

Be concrete. "Can I bring dinner on Thursday?" is easier to accept than "Let me know if you need anything." If you are wondering how quickly services are usually held, see how soon after a death the funeral is. For gatherings held later, what a memorial service is explains what to expect.